TOTO pass TOTO 21+
Subtitle: F*ck Mark Z.
Voices: make ona stop na, all these drivers wicked ehnn!!, conductor! You no hear shit dey catch am, if this man shit for my body I no go pay again oh *look at you, you no even get money to pay*
Conductor: *tapping the bus* dropping dey.
The bus slowed down and I started coming down, I came down and paid the conductor, and left my change with him.
As I took off with full speed running into a nearby bush, I didn’t even look around where I was.
All I wanted was to relief myself, I quickly forced my trouser down and wrote WAEC that nature set for us everyday.
When I spitted is the time I started looking around were I was, I didn’t know I was doing it on a dust bin.
Just then I heard a fly sound and a dust bin bag, landed on me.
Me: chimoooo!! *I shouted*
Voice: who dey there?!
I quickly grabbed leaves and wiped my bumbum, and dragged up my trouser to my waist.
That was when I started perceiving the smelling dust bin, I nearly fainted before I got down from the top mountain surrounded with grasses.
I saw the man that threw the dust bin on me, he looked very skinny that a rushing wind could swing him along.
It must be those people that usually visit homes to collect dust bins, and throw in order to be paid.
Skinny man: madman, why you dey shout?
Me: you high on cheap weed? Na everybody wey dey close to dust bin na em be madman?
Skinny man: them nodey ever gree say them be madman, you nodey close to dust bin oh! You commot from the upstairs you build.
Me: na the sorry you suppose tell me?
Skinny man: *he start smiling and making several insane movements* my friend! *coming to hug me*
I took off immediately, he ran after me. ‘Which kind problem be this na?’
I looked back and saw him doubling his speed to meet up, I kicked off my pair of shoes and ran faster than I ever did.
What took me to a radical madman’s house, he looked very scary.
I did not even bother to know were I was running to, I just wanted to escape the madman.
Skinny man: my mad friend, come and take your shoe! *chasing me*
Me: tufiaaa! God forbid *I double my hustle*
Skinny man: this running go make person mad oh, I don mad oh! I don run mad oh!!
He stopped chasing me, and started repeating those words going back with my shoe.
I bent and started exhaling heavy breathes, I wiped the beads of sweats all over my body.
All these experience for one night, I couldn’t helped but to cry for my five thousand naira shoe.
I have not completed the money for that shoe, I decided to continue my journey instead of facing that madman twice.
Who knows this time around, he will not go back to his noble palace.
I carried myself up and started trekking to East, hoping to see someone I will ask for direction.
The whole street was sidelined with fenced compounds by a tarred road, I have to endure the discomfort under my feet as I trend bare-footed on the tarred road.
Luckily for me, I saw a girl coming out of the gate, the neighborhood is so dry.
I rushed to her happily, I examined her first if I can actually woo her also, I realized she is off limit and out of stock for my demands, I settled with little familiarity, so I can get to my destination.
Immediately, I got closer to her. She faced me and glared, looking me up.
Girl: ehem, how may I help you?
Me: all these shakara, thank God oh! Say em make you worwor. *I just face my business of walking*
Girl: thunder fire you! Na your mama and papa worwor!! Your girlfriend fine pass me, mad man go to the dust bin!!! *I nearly vomit with the comparison*
I have not gone far, when I saw a shop along the street.
A girl sat inside the shop, as everywhere was protected fully with protector just leaving a hole for transaction.
Me: good evening, fine girl.
Girl: good evening, sir, what do you want to buy? *this one like money oh!*
Me: nothing, please, how can I get to the junction?
Girl: board a taxi in that junction, they will take you to the express way junction.
Me: thank you so much, so pretty girl… What is your name?
Girl: my name is Joy.
Me: girls with that name are very beautiful with heart of angel, so if I buy something from this shop, Joy go enter my life *she start blushing*
Girl: you funny oh! Am too small for that *she even understand, naija girls sabi all the lines we dey use, I go soon update*
Me: bring bottle water, cold one.
I paid her and she gave the bottle water to me, I used it to quench my dried throat as I walked to the direction she instructed me to.
When I got there, I saw cars loading passengers.
I entered one of them and off we drove down to another loading junction, I took one going to were I live.
Immediately, I came down from the taxi to enter my gate someone called my name.
I looked around and saw the ripe plantain jehovah witness girl, coming towards me.
What is this one problem I asked myself.
J babe: good evening, Victor, are you surprise that I know your name.
Me: I no surprise, ona church people fit do anything.
J babe: wetin do your shoe? Well… You see those people I send come ona yard on Saturday.
Me: I no see, I nodey stay for this yard.
J Babe: but my mother talk say you dey stay for this yard.
Me: see wahala oh! You rent house for me for that yard?! I nodey stay for here, you go tell me were I dey live? Make this discussion end here.
I went inside the yard angrily to see Ikenna sitting in his normal position opposite my house, he beamed expecting to see my sister following me from behind.
His face colored up when he saw me closing the gate.
Me: Ikefulani, happy waiting.
Ikenna: welcome… Good evening, Vera nodey house since morning.
Me: wetin you want my do now?
Ikenna: na your sister na, you suppose know where she dey.
Me: papa Vera, I go slap you oh! I dey vex ohh!!
Ikenna: hmmm.. Wetin dey smell like this?
I ignored him and went inside, I was the one smelling sha..
That is why I paid for the three back seats, I didn’t want insult.
I immediately unclad myself and poured detergent inside a bucket of water, and soaked everything I wore that day inside the bucket.
Someone started knocking on my protector, the more I ignored the knock is the more the person increased his or her strength of knocking.
I was so angry, that I didn’t know I was naked all along, I walked to the verandah to feed the person with the piece of my mind.
Voice: holy ghost fire!!!
I ran inside…
TOTO pass TOTO 21+