Warning >>> This story is mostly in Pidgin English and for se.x lovers
Me: goaaaaaaa!!! *I shouted, and threw the slip away*
Me: I don make am, God punish village people *I ran around and threw my ancient Nokia 200 that rubber band is helping it to survive*
Papa Jo: and who is that unscrupulous riffraff pollutant, polluting the entire compound with his explosive smelling mouth? *Incase you don’t know papa Jo, he is the grammatical bruhahaha of our compound, his grammars has sent many people to early hospitalization*
Me: God don butter my bread, em pick me from gutter then baf me well.. I don win five hundred thousand naira! *I shouted and jumped up, Papa Jo eyeglass fell off from his face*
Papa Jo: you mean am? *He asked in shock*
Me: swears, on God.
Papa Jo: you remember that money you dey owe me, give me am? *I eyed him*
Me: matcheeewww.. *I hissed and picked my slip, removed my sim card from the wretched phone and dropped it on the floor, and bounced jeje*
That Evening I was feeling restless, o boy. Even my own room can’t contain me, as I was perceiving poverty all over the room. I waka go the yard corner go feel myself, I sighted Biggy my paddy paddy.
Biggy: iffa no get money I get where to borrow nairaland *he sang as he ran towards me*
Me: Biggy your nigga don blow, I go shut down this street
Biggy: I no believe when I hear the news, I come say my see am with my korokoro eyes. As I see you dey shine 54teeth na em I believe oh
Me: on God, the slip enter like magic. Man u for don cut am Sha.. I no know who give Mouriho small sense em come use am swap Ashley Young wey no wan old upon say em be 32 commot.
Biggy: we thank God, corner me 2k na, my take am hold myself, later we go shut down mama Tutu pepper soup joint
Me: hope say no be the money wey I win, na you dey embezzle as government fund oh.
Biggy: na which money again na, see… I dey lap you later, my go collect quickie from my babe. My sp*rm dey overflow
Me: give the girl belle and you no go ever see sun again, you know say her father na police officer?
Biggy: na police officer daughter p*ssy dey sweet pass, because it is always tight. Guy, condom still dey market, if Kiss finish I enter Gold cycle.
Me: I don warn you, my guy!!! *We shook hands and he left*
I was still thinking on which shop I’ll rent or what to do with 500k, that was the first time in my entire life that I own such money. So my reasoning was working extraordinarily.
When Omalicha came out to pour water, it was already dark then. I use to call her Slay, the girl can slay for Africa with her iPhone.
I use to call her albino because she fine and fair like mammy water, she follow for those kind girls Marlins go say aunty set well.
I no dull myself, I don toast this babe before, I used Shakespeare lines and sang like Celine Dion for her before she agreed to date me with terms and conditions.
That I’ll wash her dirty pants and bras for three Months before I’ll kiss her, and I’ll have to wash for a whole year before I’ll access her p*ssy.
My village elders will shout “aru!!”
My village women will call me “woman wrapper!!”
And those village people that are enemies of progress will laugh and celebrate, from that day henceforth I killed the Satan that was pushing me to make Albino my girlfriend.
Albino: Vic boo *I looked around me*
Me: na me you dey call?
Albino: yes na, you know I love you so much *she came close and started rubbing my body with her clothed boobs, she wasn’t wearing bra. I started smiling like roasted goat*
Me: I no know na
Albino: from the time I sight my eyes on you, I fell in love with you and broke my legs *she grabbed my sleeping amu through the fabric, it rises like angry lion*