“”Ushhhhhhhh… Ashhhhh”…. Take it easy, you
are hurting me.”
She sang into my ears.
What I heard was:
“Do it faster, I need it faster… Harder!!!”
Me just stepped on the pedal and pumped
away. I was hitting her deeply, paying with her
inner cacus. The sensation I was receiving was
really worth all the suffering I had gone
through just to get her.
“I will sue you for Molesting me o”
She said breathlessly as I turned her round
and began the canine style on her. Sue who?
Me? She never jam. I would be the first to sue
her. I know you guys might think I am crazy,
but I am not. Oya, let me rewind it so you will
know why I would want to sue her.
I had met her in an internet cafe. I was already
done browsing but the time still remained.
Internet cafe these days no longer install that
software that automatically shuts you down
when your time is over. It was really that good.
I lifted my head to look at the cafe attendant,
just to determine his position. He was seated
concentrating. Lol, my mind went back to
when I was a cafe attendant. All my spare
time were used in watching por’n online. I
believed that was the exact thing he was
“How much is 30 minutes”
I heard a lovely voice said. I looked up again
to behold the loveliest face I had ever seen.
She was not fat and was also not on the slim
side. Just my exact kind of woman. I was
perplexed. Now, I wanted to approach her but
my liver had ran away from my body. It was
just me, I and my world.
She had settled down after purchasing an hour
of browsing time. I was watching her. The first
place she entered was facebook. I was excited.
I peeped and saw her name, searched for her
immediately and added her. She received me
almost immediately. I sent her a message.
“Hi, can I have your number please?”
Bleep it. I was trying to put words together in
my head when…
“Oga, you time don finish o.”
Chineke. No problem. I was happy I had
established contact. What remains is to go
through her ABOUT and find out if her number
I got home and could not sleep. I could not
even eat and I had sweat pouring all over me.
Wait, no mind that statement there, I am only
trying to sound poetic. I ate all I wanted, had a
perfect dream and was so relaxed my sweat
glands began protesting.
All through, I was busy thinking about this girl.
Her beautiful features. Her smile, don’t ask me
how I got to know how her smile looks. Owk, I
will tell you. When I requested for her number,
she looked at me and smiled. Which green
light green pass wetin she gimme abeg?
I got to the office on Monday morning and
quickly went to the history of our chats. Like
say we even chat many self. I clicked on her
name and whoosaa, her page flew open. I did
the first thing. Scroll through her pictures.
They were all stuning and I was busy clapping
in my mind. I had landed jackpot.
“Attai, why are you smiling like a fish na?”
My colleague asked me. I looked at him. He
was always this pastor type and me was
always thinking and feeling that he is a virgin.
Lol, a man being a virgin.
“O boy, na one babe wey I hammer o. Her own
I replied him.
“See, Attai, you need to change. Following
women is not good. You have a bright future
ahead of you.”
“See this man. Tell me say you no fuucckk
pass me for your past life na”
I asked him.
He just shook his head and wanted to walk
away. I stopped him with my speech.
“If na Jesus now, him no go give up on me
like you just do o. Your hell fire go so hot
pass my own because I go lay allegations for
your head on judgment day wella”
He shook his head the more, like he was
planning to clear it.
“Attai, may God forgive you”
And in the catholic fashion, I replied..
“And also you”.
Now that is bad. I kept looking at the pictures,
imagining her lying on the bed Unclad. How
would her Kitty-Cat look like? Kai, I was
already fuucckking her before I got my hands
on her. My dicckk from all those thoughts had
become as hard as iron and I was sweating
under the AC. See me o. Me wey no sweat
before, na me wan begin sweat now, no lele
“Attai, madam dey call you”
Me? Yesu, I don enter. How I wan carry go
face that woman now. See as my pole wire
just tanda dey salute my tight plain trouser.
No ask me o, I dey like make my trousers dey
hug me sometimes. Sha, the girls for my office
don teach me lesson. Anytime them see me,
na to dey look my preek.
“Ma, you sent for me”
I spoke in my oyibo-film induced English. Who
would not want to impress an American-
trained professional? Her English self and the
way she dey carry talk am make me know say
Ishilove and Princesa still dey kindergarten for
Use of English.
“Yes I did”
Imagine say na Queen Elizabeth dey yan this
one. You know how Englishmen dey speak
their English na. That kind Harry Potter them.
Well, Naija women wey school for America dey
speak Britannica, me wey school for Kano and
don watch all the American gangster movies
must speak like them na.
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